October 04, 2005 - 11:32 p.m.
What's going on? Seriously. I want to know. I've been out of the loop for a while. In my own little work obsessed world.
Healthy?
No.
I have to do it. If I don’t stop working it means that I have to look around at this terrible world that we live in and realize all the pain that other people because, and I can only stand here. Silent. I haven't found my voice yet. The one that allows me to scream at all the injustice, and stupidity in the world. Hell, not even the world, just my friends. I've never felt more distant form them all then I have lately. All I do is work. All I talk about is work. All I think about is work. ALL=WORK.
I went home recently. Home to visit the dyi9ng mother. It wasn't a pleasant trip to say the least. In reality it was one of the most depressing, self-loathing, out of body experiencing I have ever had. I did and said things that are not of my character. I bluntly hit on women that I knew were taken. I never do that. I hit on the fucking stewardess on the way there. I think I had to prove to myself that I could do something other then work. That I could experience the pleasure of a woman that I haven't known for two years. That I could met, talk, and kiss a woman that I just met. I failed. It didn’t happen. All that happened was that I ended up tugging one out later that evening to the thoughts of my success. Then I had to leave. Leave Phoenix…again. I had to look into my mother's eyes and tell her that I would see her again, and to be strong. When in reality I know that neither one of those things can happen for her. She is dying, and she's dying fast, and I have no idea how to deal with any of this…. so I work. I try to pour myself into any project that comes along. Just so I don’t have to concern myself with other peoples emotions. Other people's drama. Other people's feelings.
I do miss my friends. I'm trying to build something for them. I feel that I have to do this. There's no one else to. I have to take control, and make them successful. I care about them so much, that I'm making so many sacrifices in my life right now. Hoping for the pay off down the road. Their happiness and success. I have to do this.
I just don’t know. I'm lost in my work, and I'm not sure how to get out of it.
